No. 10: Guess who they called upon?

This past week has been a bit triggering. I've been reminded of the lack of protection of Black women when people have profited from our existence. This has been triggered for various reasons. I can recall conversations I've had with multiple therapists about my frustrations on the topic. Professionals who have spent hours researching and analyzing the mind and emotions of people. The conclusion of these discussions was that Black women weren't the problem. The solution was outlining ways to navigate the nuances and implementing means of self care as the problem was a structure that didn’t consider us.  The results of this election has been the most triggering. I paced throughout my house once the results were revealed. I didn't want to say his name nor look at his face. I started crying trying to watch Kamala's concession speech. I didn’t make it through 30 seconds before the tears came. I still haven't been able to return to it. 

This election was personal.

From day one of entering the professional world, I've experienced opposition in various ways. Being hired yet being undermined and underestimated by the very same person who hired me. Having closed door conversations with people sharing with me the things that were said when I wasn't around but never to my face. Being told a bet was placed on if myself and the only other Black person in the office would show up to a team event.  Watching the elevation and hand holding of white women whose resume didn't compare to mine. Expressing my concerns and being ignored then being the fall out guy when things went wrong. Recommending the tools to improve workplace efficiencies only in turn to be dismissed. Being questioned about my locs and constantly having to correct the pronunciation of my name. Walking into spaces as the team lead yet people not believing I was the responsible point of contact. I can even remember a time when someone refused to shake my hand after shaking hands with others in the room at the conclusion of a meeting. Men not wanting to discuss project related information with me unless a man was on the line as if I could not comprehend the information given. Getting awards and watching people grit through their teeth struggling to find the words to express congratulations. Let me not forget the time someone went above and beyond to try and discredit my qualifications to participate in a program thus causing me not to be selected. While my white coworker who was selected didn't meet the qualifications. I would have conversations with counterparts to gather data only for that same counterpart to state they didn't provide the information I reported leaving me in a void. Then of course there is the typical label of being referred to as someone with an attitude because I don't roll with the status quo. I often naturally would participate in extracurricular activities such as mentoring and planning STEM programs for the youth. Not because I was told to do so. Because it's what I enjoyed doing. It was a very organic gesture of using my skills to support the local community. Yet no recognition by leadership. One of the more egregious situations that I often block out of my mind was when a white coworker was so enthralled with the food that I ate. So much so, she hit me on my thigh when I told her that I didn’t like sushi. I hit her back and completely shut down. She wanted to be a savior.

Then there are the inquisitions. The wonders of who I was as a Black woman. What I was interested in. What was my sexual preference. Who was I dating. What I did in my personal time. What type of food I ate. I was once asked if I ate collard greens. An assumption was made that Snoop Dogg was my musical choice. Inquires about how I dressed. Wondering what I was thinking about. Assumptions about my personal life that was shared  with coworkers. I can recall a conversation where it was assumed that I was judging the intellect of my coworkers. I wasn't. I didn't consider them in any manner. Yet their insecurities made them believe I did. I would carry a small bag that was filled with necessary toiletries to the bathroom. This prompted unnecessary commentary from a coworker as if it seemed to bother them. Always watching my every move. Even down to how I drank my coffee. The curiosity and assumptions never ceased.  Simply minding my business was just too much for them.

Not wanting to participate in after work drinks seemed to offend people too. Doing anything other than skipping down the hall with a smile on my face meant I had an attitude. Saying no was an act of rebellion to others. There was once a request to join a luncheon in which I politely declined stating "no thank you". In turn, I was told that was no way to talk to my supervisor.

Yet when shit hit the fan, guess who they called upon to fix it. When my white supervisors failed at being a leader to the team equally, failing to communicate with their Black employees as if it was brain surgery, guess who they called upon? When there were riots and injustices against Black people during the height of the pandemic and they needed a plan to implement as a means of support to the Black employees, guess who they called upon? When it became a requirement for leadership to acquire extracurricular hours that supported the office mission, guess who they called upon? When they couldn't figure out how to resolve an issue with a project, guess who they called upon?  When they didn't know how to navigate internal office systems, guess who they called upon? When they needed assistance with managing a heavy workload, guess who they called upon? When they need someone to plan and implement DEI programming to include gender programming, guess who they called upon?

When the curtain was lifted on the failures of leadership, guess who sat back and watched. I remember people panicking. An unexpected load had been dumped on them. The incorrect measures were taken by leadership and they were trying to pull the pieces together. I just sat back and watched. People would complain about the lack of resources and structure to fulfill the stated requirements. I continued to sit back and watch. 

The wolf pack was struggling. Struggling with all of the things I brought to the table. Yet they ignored it. I just continued to sit back and watch.

There was a time I was contacted by a previous coworker inquiring how I had been. They expressed how much better the office environment had gotten with a change in leadership. The change out of the same leadership that once dismissed my ideas. 

Remember when I mentioned how someone went above and beyond to disprove my qualifications for a program that I was ultimately denied for. Well I was accepted into the program the following year. I participated out of spite. At the conclusion of the program, I was given recognition as being the first to enter the program from the office I was assigned to at that time. However, I wasn’t the first. The equally unqualified counterpart was the first. I wasn’t going to correct the error as karma has a funny way of running things back.

I carried on with my life. Accomplishing all that I had written for myself. Still sitting back and watching.

This is what happened to Vice President Kamala Harris. She checked all of the boxes. Far more than any other could. Yet they ignored her. They didn't support her. She was used as an attempt to save a failing system. She was qualified. Overqualified. She was capable of executing what needed to be done. Yet they ignored her. They chose to support the good ol boy. They called her out of her name. Made assumptions about her. Placed blame on her for world crises. They challenged everything from her professional record down to her DNA. Never doing the same for her opponent. They went out their way to show support for her opponent claiming it was done so because she would not give them an interview. They wanted to punish her for not accomodating them. For not accommodating their demands as if she wasn't managing requests from many other platforms. People remained silent all year until November 5 then publicly exposed their support for racism. They needed a scapegoat. Someone to throw to the wolves. As always she stepped up because she knew she was capable of succeeding. As always they gloat in what they presume is a Black woman's failure. Both men and women. White, Black and in between. They hated her without reason. 

They will say it hasn't nothing to do with race or gender. They will say we should all learn to co-exist. They will say their prayers at night for the victor.. What they will not say is that they have a desire to be a part of their club. That they struggle with women leading. That if they could be anything else in this world, they would want to be one of them. They would much rather align with the oppressor rather than unite together to beat the oppressor. 

I by no means think we live in a perfect world. I don't think anyone properly handled the violent conflicts of the past year. Everyone was at fault. There was a lot of work to do. A laundry list of bullet points that have piled up from previous administrations and a system not structured to be equal. However I did believe there was a chance to course correct. To resolve and rectify some critical issues. 

Some of us were alone in that belief. A place we often find ourselves when we know we are capable of succeeding. 

There is a part of this that only Black women will understand. Maybe others will too but this part is deeply rooted in our survival. The part where we smile through the pain. Reconnect to the things that bring us joy. We rest. Decompress. Refuel our minds. Body. Soul. Relax our shoulders and calm our nervous system. Hold our hands over our hearts with our feet grounded to the earth. We remind ourselves of all that we have accomplished. Leaning on our ancestors asking for their support. We cry. We laugh. We realigned. Recalibrate. We continue to stand with our head held high pointed towards the bright blue skies.. We reclaim our power and our time.

Because there will be a time when all that they tried to do to defeat us will crumble. It will fail. And we will watch. Watch it turn to flames. The ashes will consume everything it touches except for the phoenix. It will stand overlooking the destruction. Unscathed. Rising renewed and ready to charge forward. And we will continue to watch. Leaving the ashes to bury the rubble as the work had already been done for us. 

They will need us. They don't want to admit it but they will. They always have. However they can no longer stay on our train.  We will no longer need to prove ourselves worthy.  We will take care of ourselves and those in alignment with us because we know we are capable of doing so with safety. 

The redemption will come. It will be loud. It will be unapologetic. It will be creative. It will be bold. 

And we will sit back and watch it all crumble. 

Thank you those who have continuously promoted the contributions of Black women. Those who are sending their love and support to us both near and far. Those who are reminding us that the work is in our creativity. Encouraging us to prepare for what is coming next.

Because the days of being the one they call upon are over.